An Angel has Found His Home

 "When a starfish is broken, he will search for his way back home no matter what and heal himself there."

  Alex, I know it sounds gay that I am trying to compare you with a starfish but it is true. You are going home and for the second time I will have to let you go. How many times must I let go of a dead man, huh? :(

  In so many ways you were broken. In different turns you stood back up. But this last journey you are about to take would completely break me but it would complete your family. A family that has came to love me like I was a part of their own too.

  June 15, 2010. You were taken from me that day. June 15,2013. Another day that I felt you were taken again. The pain kept making its presence felt all over again. Every time I find myself thinking of that one unfaithful day, I draw strength from the memory of your hand giving me a pat on the back.

PS I Love You

".....Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you."

You know what's so stupid? It's watching this film (PS, I love you) and wishing you were the one telling me those exact same words (look up, there you go).

Too many times in my life that I tried re-living. Back to when I could hear you. Alex, I am too scared that a day would come and not remember how your voice sounded. Oh, Alex, I can't re-hush in my mind how you sounded. Help me remember, please. I long for another day with you. A day where I could just look into your eyes and get lost in them.

I am not ready to say good bye.But do I even have a choice? I don't think so. 5 more days and it's your 3rd year up there. 

I got really nothing say. I just wish I had you to talk to right now. 

I love you always,
A...

When We Meet Again

Hi Alex,

  I am sitting here at your tomb while I am writing this. It's rainy, weather has been bad recently. But it did not stop me to visit you. I know it has been a long time since I last came to see you, 4... 6 months? But that doesn't mean you're forgotten. I am still learning to live these days ahead without you, ok? (So, cut me some slack) :D

  You know, someone once told me, "Move on, life will not be the same however it must continue." That was a dead end for me. I wanted to scream, to run away, to hide... to cry but I can't. I am strong... I don't have a choice but to be strong. Who would pick me up when I breakdown? Who would get my broken pieces back together when I crumble? I need to help myself. I need to  to show you that I can.

  Life played with us, Alex. There have been times that I felt I've known you for a very long time. I don't know why I felt that way. Now, it feels like I have only had you for a week. 

  I wish I whispered how much I love you, how much I care, how much your voice calms me through the storm. I wish I could have you back. To have you there standing behind me again with a handkerchief in hand to wipe these tears away. I don't know where these tears are coming from, it just won't stop falling and I don't think it ever would. 

  It's raining again....lucky I had the people set up a tent for me. Don't worry, I am not getting drenched. 

  Remember when you told me that you will be here with me no matter what. Yeah, well. I hope you kept that promise. 'Cause right now, it's just me. Am I mad at myself? Am I guilty for letting you come home that night? Was it my selfishness to want to see you?

  There are a lot of questions lingering in my mind. What could have been... What if.... Would it be....

  I'd give anything in the world to see you, to feel you, to hold you, to hug you again. And when He grants my request, I would never let you go. 

  Teach me, Alex. Teach me how to be me without you. Help me, Alex. Help me, spend my days like how I used to. Guide me, Alex. Guide me to be the one willing to take risks.

  Forever in my heart,

A....