Am I ready for a new life? To leave everything behind and start anew in a different place with a different language, culture and people? Would I do good or would this result to an easier downfall for my career and life? Will I get anything from this huge leap I am about to embark? Would this journey give me the fulfillment I always prayed for?
It was never easy to decide knowing that when you have said yes, there are people that I'll be leaving behind, the familiarity of everything around me would turn into vivid memories and just the mere fact of being able to move around without any difficulties of understanding things are slowly crippling my mind and body (in very unique ways).
Yesterday, it was a bit different in the office. There were not much tasks to do and so it led me to my thoughts of having to move. How I wished it was just a simple move from one home to another within the same city. But it's not. I have to make another country a home and turn a house into being a home. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if things would go accordingly as planned. I am not the type who does so well with planning nor with routines but for once (or maybe twice) I am hoping for a good routine as I start off this new life.
Yeah, you read it right. NEW LIFE. It's not like I died or I'm getting married (I have no time to meet with death nor do I have the time to arrange some ringing bells). If moving from one continent to another isn't considered as a "new life" then I don't know what else to call it.
In line with this talk of my upcoming new life, I just recalled a conversation I had with my best friend, Regine (another special mention, Reg?). "Maybe it's going to be your city of love?", or "Maybe it's where you're settling down?" and my favorite, "Maybe that's where you're going to die". I came to a realization after hearing those crazy remarks. What if, just what if, it really is the place where I am to experience all those? Would I be considered crazy if I start thinking of those? I know, it's a bit tooooo early. You can't blame me, I'm a girl who also dreams to be swept off her feet by her very own Prince Charming or Shrek. LOL. Hoping it's not Shrek.
Somewhere between the anxiousness of moving is an expectant heart like of a child. Waiting for wonders to happen, hoping to be awestruck and dreaming of new and better dreams. Whether it's where I'll find love and get married or die, this journey has already promised me one thing, love and be loved or not, it will give me the best time of my life. A new set of plans, dreams and craziness will soon loom.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Left Without a Good Bye
What's more painful than being left behind? It's when someone leaves without a clue, without a quick look back and it's when you know they're never coming back no matter how hard you cry or wish or even pray.
I caught myself thinking again. Being on the 4th floor of a building where I am enclosed by four office walls, I can't help but have my mind drift back to you. I was wondering, would you come pick me up in my office? Have those mini surprises just like those when I was still studying? Or just come to my office, with some KFC or McDonald's in hand and claim that it's an official "lunch-slash-meeting date"? I miss those times. When you kidnap me from my university and take me to a mall just cause you found a new restaurant that you wanted to try. Those were the best lunch breaks I ever had. Would it make you proud if I told you that I am working for what you claim to be your favorite place on earth? I just so wish I could see the proud smirk for the last time.
Same time two years ago, I was in denial that no matter how hard I pray or cry you just won't rise back from the grave. It was so hard to see you lying there. I can't even bring myself to say that you're gone. It's that statement that took so long before I finally mastered up the courage to fight back tears whenever I am asked about you.
How could it be? Why should it be you? Why did you have to go so soon? Those are questions that I asked. Though I know I will never have the answer to them, I have slowly accepted that you're never going to be here. It hurts like hell that I had to go through every single day knowing that you're gone.
Remember when I used to tell you that I hear girls saying they wished they had a guy best friend? Yeah, I still hear girls wish for that. I was there, smiling knowing I had the best friend anyone could ever have and that it's a shame that they haven't had the chance to have someone like you in their lives. That they'd never get to experience how fun, cool and great it would be to have you. I can't help but wish that you were still here though.
Some nights ago I witnessed an accident. A car crash. It gave me thoughts about you. Of how hurt you were that night, how much pain you have suffered or how much time you only had left then. It hurts me so much knowing that I could've helped. That I could've done something, but I didn't. All because I was too scared that if I see you lying in the hospital bed, my vision of you, of how I see you would just come crumbling down. It was hard, to see a lifeless body that used to hold so much life, that used to be the source of a boisterous laugh, of what was once a source of the world's stupid pranks.
However, out of all the questions that crossed my mind, the one that I truly couldn't have the heart to find the answer was, "what about me?", where would I be now that you're nowhere near me. I am just thankful because it was still the comfort of knowing that I was blessed knowing that someone like you has been a part of my life even for just a shortwhile.
I caught myself thinking again. Being on the 4th floor of a building where I am enclosed by four office walls, I can't help but have my mind drift back to you. I was wondering, would you come pick me up in my office? Have those mini surprises just like those when I was still studying? Or just come to my office, with some KFC or McDonald's in hand and claim that it's an official "lunch-slash-meeting date"? I miss those times. When you kidnap me from my university and take me to a mall just cause you found a new restaurant that you wanted to try. Those were the best lunch breaks I ever had. Would it make you proud if I told you that I am working for what you claim to be your favorite place on earth? I just so wish I could see the proud smirk for the last time.
Same time two years ago, I was in denial that no matter how hard I pray or cry you just won't rise back from the grave. It was so hard to see you lying there. I can't even bring myself to say that you're gone. It's that statement that took so long before I finally mastered up the courage to fight back tears whenever I am asked about you.
How could it be? Why should it be you? Why did you have to go so soon? Those are questions that I asked. Though I know I will never have the answer to them, I have slowly accepted that you're never going to be here. It hurts like hell that I had to go through every single day knowing that you're gone.
Remember when I used to tell you that I hear girls saying they wished they had a guy best friend? Yeah, I still hear girls wish for that. I was there, smiling knowing I had the best friend anyone could ever have and that it's a shame that they haven't had the chance to have someone like you in their lives. That they'd never get to experience how fun, cool and great it would be to have you. I can't help but wish that you were still here though.
Some nights ago I witnessed an accident. A car crash. It gave me thoughts about you. Of how hurt you were that night, how much pain you have suffered or how much time you only had left then. It hurts me so much knowing that I could've helped. That I could've done something, but I didn't. All because I was too scared that if I see you lying in the hospital bed, my vision of you, of how I see you would just come crumbling down. It was hard, to see a lifeless body that used to hold so much life, that used to be the source of a boisterous laugh, of what was once a source of the world's stupid pranks.
However, out of all the questions that crossed my mind, the one that I truly couldn't have the heart to find the answer was, "what about me?", where would I be now that you're nowhere near me. I am just thankful because it was still the comfort of knowing that I was blessed knowing that someone like you has been a part of my life even for just a shortwhile.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Hi Alex,
It's been what? 2 years and almost 1 month since you left. I still think of you, still wish you were here and still hope that I could see you and talk to you. Life has never been the same, Alex. There wasn't anyone who could annoy me like you do or even piss me off as hard like when you hid my car. Who the heck could hide a pick up truck!?! Only you can pull that off, I give you that.
It's so hard Alex. There are things I wished I told you, words I wished I whispered to you and times I wished I spent with you. Who knew life with you would be this short? You'd get mad when you hear of this, but I still shed a tear when I visit your grave. It's been toooooo long but really, I moved on.
You know the times when I'd call you late at night just to ask if we can go to Mcdonald's and eat? :D Yeah, I miss those especially when you'd answer with, "Not in your pajamas." Haha. I do that to Paul and Regine now. I don't think they're as happy as you were when you get my calls. What about the time when I first took you to Hong Kong (That was also the first time I ever paid for someone)? Wasn't that the best time of your life? :D I could still see your reaction when I made you try the authentic Nai Cha or even that Dim sum you were dying to have a taste. It was probably one of the best days of my life. To have you there meet my old Chinese friends. They find you cute, by the way. I don't think I ever got around to telling you how they thought of you. What about that time when I called you out of class to meet me at Starbucks only to tell you that I met this guy? You weren't so happy that time. :D Haha.
Guess what Alex! There's someone I wished you would have met. I'd also like to meet him personally too. You're so like him, a bully, a jerk (sometimes) and sweet (not all the time). But he's great. There are so many things I want to tell you, so many stuff I want to show you and so many times I want to spend with you. But life is life. We pass, we move on, we meet people.
I'd like to think that someday I'd see you again :)
Love,
Me :))
It's been what? 2 years and almost 1 month since you left. I still think of you, still wish you were here and still hope that I could see you and talk to you. Life has never been the same, Alex. There wasn't anyone who could annoy me like you do or even piss me off as hard like when you hid my car. Who the heck could hide a pick up truck!?! Only you can pull that off, I give you that.
It's so hard Alex. There are things I wished I told you, words I wished I whispered to you and times I wished I spent with you. Who knew life with you would be this short? You'd get mad when you hear of this, but I still shed a tear when I visit your grave. It's been toooooo long but really, I moved on.
You know the times when I'd call you late at night just to ask if we can go to Mcdonald's and eat? :D Yeah, I miss those especially when you'd answer with, "Not in your pajamas." Haha. I do that to Paul and Regine now. I don't think they're as happy as you were when you get my calls. What about the time when I first took you to Hong Kong (That was also the first time I ever paid for someone)? Wasn't that the best time of your life? :D I could still see your reaction when I made you try the authentic Nai Cha or even that Dim sum you were dying to have a taste. It was probably one of the best days of my life. To have you there meet my old Chinese friends. They find you cute, by the way. I don't think I ever got around to telling you how they thought of you. What about that time when I called you out of class to meet me at Starbucks only to tell you that I met this guy? You weren't so happy that time. :D Haha.
Guess what Alex! There's someone I wished you would have met. I'd also like to meet him personally too. You're so like him, a bully, a jerk (sometimes) and sweet (not all the time). But he's great. There are so many things I want to tell you, so many stuff I want to show you and so many times I want to spend with you. But life is life. We pass, we move on, we meet people.
I'd like to think that someday I'd see you again :)
Love,
Me :))
An Inspiration
Ever had someone tell you, "Wow, you look inspired." or a question like, "You look different, what's the reason behind the smile?" Those questions though unintentionally, it struck me. How could they have possibly sensed this awesome feeling I have inside? Could it be that my smile is wider than it used to be? Or my eyes, were they too much of a giveaway? Or is it my laugh, did it become too cheeky nowadays? Either I find out or not, it will not matter.
People find inspirations in art, nature, loved ones, sometimes even in books. But are there some that finds inspiration online? No, maybe not. Or maybe there are. What happened to me, I don't want to regard it as a curse, though every single day and night I talk (or chat) with him, I am more and more convinced that my patience is really at its best now. Don't take it the wrong way, I do see him as a gift. He makes me (and made me) laugh, he managed to knock some sense in me (when I was planning to a adopt a 16 day old infant). Let me give you a brief look at myself, I am stubborn (so he claims I am). But, anyway I believe you already get my point.
What we have going on is somewhere between "it's complicated" and "I like you, I hope there's something we can do about it". There's so much I wish we could do. So much that it makes me wish so hard that he was here, right beside me.
I am dying to ask, can't I do something about us? :(
People find inspirations in art, nature, loved ones, sometimes even in books. But are there some that finds inspiration online? No, maybe not. Or maybe there are. What happened to me, I don't want to regard it as a curse, though every single day and night I talk (or chat) with him, I am more and more convinced that my patience is really at its best now. Don't take it the wrong way, I do see him as a gift. He makes me (and made me) laugh, he managed to knock some sense in me (when I was planning to a adopt a 16 day old infant). Let me give you a brief look at myself, I am stubborn (so he claims I am). But, anyway I believe you already get my point.
What we have going on is somewhere between "it's complicated" and "I like you, I hope there's something we can do about it". There's so much I wish we could do. So much that it makes me wish so hard that he was here, right beside me.
I am dying to ask, can't I do something about us? :(
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